The Pro
Our culture has done a great job of making men feel like they must be perfect “performers” in bed, and women’s sexual liberation over the last 30 years has unfortunately raised the bar, or so it would seem. Even the way you’ve phrased your question is telling: “…is she just trying to make me feel better about not making her come?” No one can make anyone else come. As powerful as it might feel to believe you can, it also places an awful lot of responsibility on a man!
Women’s right to a fulfilling sex life was long overdue. It’s probably unthinkable to realize that until the women’s movement of the late sixties/early seventies, which contrary to what many think was actually very sex-positive, most people didn’t even know we had something called a clitoris! In fact, those who did know still bought into Freud’s decree that only “vaginal orgasms” were the “mature” way for women to climax. Even today, most people still think that’s the ultimate way for women to come, unaware that as many as 75% of women do not come through vaginal intercourse alone. And it has nothing to do with inhibition or poor technique. It’s merely the way we’re built. The clitoris is our central pleasure zone (think of it as a tiny penis), and it’s not easy for the man’s penis to reach during intercourse. Even the much-celebrated G-spot is actually attached to the clitoris, which is itself attached to a band of muscles that encircle the woman’s entire vaginal canal.
But enough with the sex-ed anatomy lesson, and back to your main concern: Can your girlfriend really be happy after sex without orgasm? Absolutely. Sex is like anything else we enjoy doing. Sometimes it’s a knock-your-socks-off mind-blowing experience that leaves you panting and drenched with sweat. Sometimes it’s slow and sensual and just enough to cap off the day before drifting in to dreamy sleep. I’m sure if she never got to climax during sex, she might be terribly unhappy, and likewise, if she didn’t let you know she was unhappy so you could both explore how that might be remedied, that would be cause for concern. But it sounds like she just sometimes doesn’t need to have that physical release, yet still feels good and satisfied. By the way, men don’t always need to climax either, especially as they exit their “urgent” 20s and mature into more sensitive and subtle lovers.
So while the liberation of women’s sexuality and our right to a completely fulfilling sex life, complete with the almighty “O,” has been a boon to women’s quality of life, it also has left many having to explain to their partners that sometimes it’s just not necessary. Having your man insist on diddling, licking, pummeling, or doing anything he thinks will get the job done for as long as it takes can be as frustrating as having him hop off before we even have time to say, “My turn!” Having an orgasm should be a woman’s option, not an obligation. Do not measure yourself and your sexual skills by whether your woman has one or not. It’s her responsibility to let you know when and how she wants to come, and if she says she’s satisfied, you should be able to believe her. It’s up to her to let you know if she’s having a problem. It’s good that you’re concerned and want her to be happy, but don’t worry too much. Relax and enjoy the fact that you have an “active sex life and a great connection!”
The Joe
I know a thing or thirty about disappointing the women in my life, so you’ve come to the right place. I won’t go in to detail about the trail of tears left in the wake of my carnal exploits, but I’ll say this: If I had a dollar for every woman I had sex with and didn’t bring to orgasm, I wouldn’t be writing this column. Instead, I’d be sitting on a beach, umbrella-drink in hand, wondering how I was fortunate enough to live in a world where I got paid to be below-average in bed.
My shameful admissions of non-prowess aside, you really don’t have anything to worry about: Your girlfriend is telling the truth. No matter what you do and for how long you do it, sometimes women just can’t “finish.”
Sex for women is comparable to watching Lost. One week, an episode might leave you screaming “Oh my God, I can’t believe that just happened,” while the next week’s might feature the back-story of two characters you couldn’t care less about. The latter is still enjoyable, but when compared to the mind-blowing ecstasy of the former—say, finding out Walt is alive—you can’t help but feel a little disappointed. But does this mean you’re going to stop watching?
Of course not.
And neither is your girlfriend. Believe me, she’s just happy that she found a man evolved enough to actually worry about this stuff. I can guarantee that she’ll take a few nights of less-than-stellar coitus with you over being single, friends setting her up on disastrous blind dates, and listening to her mom warn her that she’s quickly approaching a life of cat-owning, spinsterdom.
Still having doubts? Here’s a little trick that will guarantee to turn this into a non-issue: Before you play Hide the Smoke Monster, make sure you munch that box like there’s a prize inside.
And if that fails, you can always take her to see Sex and the City.